Friday, February 27, 2004
A Race Against Old Man Time --
Yesterday for about 45 minutes I had the shits something awful, and it took me back to an incident I had about a year and a half ago on Long Island ...
I was visiting a college friend. A few of my other college friends were out there too. We go to a diner, I think I had a burger. Later on I got a coolada from Dunkin Donuts.
That frozen coffee drink turned out to be my downfall.
My friend drops me off that night at the LIRR station, which is elevated. So I'm standing up there and all of a sudden IT hits me ... you all know that feeling. Unfortunately for me I wasn't in striking distance of a lavatory so this was really an urgent situation that required some quick thinking.
Since I'm up high I look around to see what my options are IF I'm lucky enough to make it down the escalator without soiling my person. And here I had one of my darkest ideas of all time ...
I seriously considered going into a church parking lot that was across the street, dropping anchor behind a school bus, and then wiping my ass with my socks -- these were desperate times.
The only thing that kept me out of that option was that I saw there was a bar open a little further down the street. So I started saying my prayers and headed off. When I walked in I realized that this was a recovering-alcoholic whiskey hole kind of bar and that I was seriously out of place -- but I didn't care.
I raced for the bathroom and did such a dirty deed that it's probably still the stuff of legend at this place ("Remember that kid that came in looking all red-faced and crazy and stunk up the bathroom for a month?").
Then I called my friend and had him pick me up and take me back to his house for a while so I could down some Pepto and ride out the storm.
After that I made it home okay. I considered writing a letter to Dunkin Donuts that would have begun:
Dear Sir or Madam,
Let me tell you about the worst night of my life ...
|
Yesterday for about 45 minutes I had the shits something awful, and it took me back to an incident I had about a year and a half ago on Long Island ...
I was visiting a college friend. A few of my other college friends were out there too. We go to a diner, I think I had a burger. Later on I got a coolada from Dunkin Donuts.
That frozen coffee drink turned out to be my downfall.
My friend drops me off that night at the LIRR station, which is elevated. So I'm standing up there and all of a sudden IT hits me ... you all know that feeling. Unfortunately for me I wasn't in striking distance of a lavatory so this was really an urgent situation that required some quick thinking.
Since I'm up high I look around to see what my options are IF I'm lucky enough to make it down the escalator without soiling my person. And here I had one of my darkest ideas of all time ...
I seriously considered going into a church parking lot that was across the street, dropping anchor behind a school bus, and then wiping my ass with my socks -- these were desperate times.
The only thing that kept me out of that option was that I saw there was a bar open a little further down the street. So I started saying my prayers and headed off. When I walked in I realized that this was a recovering-alcoholic whiskey hole kind of bar and that I was seriously out of place -- but I didn't care.
I raced for the bathroom and did such a dirty deed that it's probably still the stuff of legend at this place ("Remember that kid that came in looking all red-faced and crazy and stunk up the bathroom for a month?").
Then I called my friend and had him pick me up and take me back to his house for a while so I could down some Pepto and ride out the storm.
After that I made it home okay. I considered writing a letter to Dunkin Donuts that would have begun:
Dear Sir or Madam,
Let me tell you about the worst night of my life ...
|
