Sunday, May 09, 2004
The Sweet Science
Those that know me well know that I am blessedt to be one of the top 5-10 most powerful farters since the recorded history of flatulence began in the early nineteen-hundred and eighties.
It runs in my family, going all the way back to the old country when D. Josef Marcinkevicius, during his life and time, saved Lower Slovovia's 1847 harvest of sauerkrauten by blasting away a lemming infestation.
In that spirit I attempted to categorize the great variety of farts into a few essential categories. I came up with five "Classes of Gasses":
the lazy susan,
the silent but deadly,
the foul cloud,
all talk,
and the most feared -- the screaming eagle.
I have since abandoned this schema as impracticable.
An example:
You slowly cut one loose as you walk down a hallway or leave a room. Previously this would have been a classic foul cloud, case closed. Now I am of two minds.
IF the intention was simply to release built-up gas over a spread out area so as not to expose yourself = slow release.
ON THE OTHER HAND, if your intention was to extend the kill radius of the fart with no consideration whatsoever of maintaining your anonymity = foul cloud.
So you see it's the motive that counts there.
My other great innovation is the Revelation, which is a variation on the Dutch Oven ... but that would be too much too soon.
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It runs in my family, going all the way back to the old country when D. Josef Marcinkevicius, during his life and time, saved Lower Slovovia's 1847 harvest of sauerkrauten by blasting away a lemming infestation.
In that spirit I attempted to categorize the great variety of farts into a few essential categories. I came up with five "Classes of Gasses":
the lazy susan,
the silent but deadly,
the foul cloud,
all talk,
and the most feared -- the screaming eagle.
I have since abandoned this schema as impracticable.
An example:
You slowly cut one loose as you walk down a hallway or leave a room. Previously this would have been a classic foul cloud, case closed. Now I am of two minds.
IF the intention was simply to release built-up gas over a spread out area so as not to expose yourself = slow release.
ON THE OTHER HAND, if your intention was to extend the kill radius of the fart with no consideration whatsoever of maintaining your anonymity = foul cloud.
So you see it's the motive that counts there.
My other great innovation is the Revelation, which is a variation on the Dutch Oven ... but that would be too much too soon.
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