Friday, November 21, 2003
The Metro --
I'm pretty new to DC and one thing has kind of confused me about the people here - they complain about the Metro like its bad or something. These fools have obviously never taken the New York subway with any kind of regularity.
Here is a brief list of why DC's Metro is not only not bad, but is, in fact, pretty good:
1) No urine smell. The NYC subway has the most powerful urine stench this side of a cat lady's house.
2) No overpowering heat. Yes, DC is hotter than New York. But waiting for the subway in the summer in New York is like a Turkish sauna, on account of the lack of AC or any kind of ventilation system whatsoever in the stations.
3) No bums. I have NEVER seen anyone begging for money on Metro. It is rare to take the subway in NY and NOT see someone begging for money. I feel for you, we're all God's children, but please, not while I'm commuting.
4) No graffiti. Those that graffiti Metro wind up in Camp X-Ray or as Rumsfeld's gimp.
5) Quiet trains. I don't know how they do it, but Metro trains do not product mind altering metal-on-metal screeching like New York's.
6) Cost. $1.20 is less than $2.00. That's just math ... can't argue with math.
7) Metro has digital signs in each station that not only tell the time, but also how many minutes until the next train comes. No standing on the edge of the platform trying to catch that first glimpse of the train's headlight like in NY, and no stomach churning anxiety caused by total ignorance of how long you'll be waiting. Also, Metro comes every four minutes like clockwork during rush hours.
8) Each station has escalators. Walking up stairs is for chumps.
9) Ease of use. The Metro only has five lines, which are named after colors. There are only a few transfer spots. Stations are all laid out similarly and are easy to navigate. NYC has over ten million subway lines, each with a number or letter and a color, and at least 47,000 stations. Transfering sometimes requires taking elevators, walking half way to where you wanted to go in the first place, then solving a set of riddles and word puzzles. Colors are easy. The subway is so confusing only dorks who frequent the transit museum understand the whole thing.
Caveats:
1) Metro closes. NYC subways never sleep.
2) Cost. Okay, I kind of lied about cost and the you can't argue with math bit. Truth is, on Metro you pay by how far you go. So while the standard fare is $1.20, which is less than $2.00, some trips cost as much as $3.00 and up. However, in balance, I think most people still pay less.
3) The NYC subway covers every area of the city from the heart of Manhattan to the asshole of the Bronx. Metro only goes where it goes. Sorry, you can't get there from here.
4) The Metro's escaltors are always broken. Which turns them into stairs, which turns us into chumps.
So there it is. People in DC do not realize that while they may live in the most powerful city in the world, it's still only a provincial backwater compared to mighty New York City. This is reflected in their uninformed belief that their Metro is "bad". Compared to New York's electric sewer, the Metro is not only "pretty good", it's actually better than the Monorail at Disney World.
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I'm pretty new to DC and one thing has kind of confused me about the people here - they complain about the Metro like its bad or something. These fools have obviously never taken the New York subway with any kind of regularity.
Here is a brief list of why DC's Metro is not only not bad, but is, in fact, pretty good:
1) No urine smell. The NYC subway has the most powerful urine stench this side of a cat lady's house.
2) No overpowering heat. Yes, DC is hotter than New York. But waiting for the subway in the summer in New York is like a Turkish sauna, on account of the lack of AC or any kind of ventilation system whatsoever in the stations.
3) No bums. I have NEVER seen anyone begging for money on Metro. It is rare to take the subway in NY and NOT see someone begging for money. I feel for you, we're all God's children, but please, not while I'm commuting.
4) No graffiti. Those that graffiti Metro wind up in Camp X-Ray or as Rumsfeld's gimp.
5) Quiet trains. I don't know how they do it, but Metro trains do not product mind altering metal-on-metal screeching like New York's.
6) Cost. $1.20 is less than $2.00. That's just math ... can't argue with math.
7) Metro has digital signs in each station that not only tell the time, but also how many minutes until the next train comes. No standing on the edge of the platform trying to catch that first glimpse of the train's headlight like in NY, and no stomach churning anxiety caused by total ignorance of how long you'll be waiting. Also, Metro comes every four minutes like clockwork during rush hours.
8) Each station has escalators. Walking up stairs is for chumps.
9) Ease of use. The Metro only has five lines, which are named after colors. There are only a few transfer spots. Stations are all laid out similarly and are easy to navigate. NYC has over ten million subway lines, each with a number or letter and a color, and at least 47,000 stations. Transfering sometimes requires taking elevators, walking half way to where you wanted to go in the first place, then solving a set of riddles and word puzzles. Colors are easy. The subway is so confusing only dorks who frequent the transit museum understand the whole thing.
Caveats:
1) Metro closes. NYC subways never sleep.
2) Cost. Okay, I kind of lied about cost and the you can't argue with math bit. Truth is, on Metro you pay by how far you go. So while the standard fare is $1.20, which is less than $2.00, some trips cost as much as $3.00 and up. However, in balance, I think most people still pay less.
3) The NYC subway covers every area of the city from the heart of Manhattan to the asshole of the Bronx. Metro only goes where it goes. Sorry, you can't get there from here.
4) The Metro's escaltors are always broken. Which turns them into stairs, which turns us into chumps.
So there it is. People in DC do not realize that while they may live in the most powerful city in the world, it's still only a provincial backwater compared to mighty New York City. This is reflected in their uninformed belief that their Metro is "bad". Compared to New York's electric sewer, the Metro is not only "pretty good", it's actually better than the Monorail at Disney World.
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